Relationships & Balance

My last relationship ended because I need more space than he understood the need for.

I've always been incredibly independent and I've pretty much always been left to my own devices in previous relationships. I may not have had the most positive experiences in previous relationships, hence the need for independence, but I did not feel smothered or caged.

My last relationship stressed me out because I needed my space and he didn't (red flag). He got offended when I told him I needed time alone (mostly to just go to yoga class a couple times a week-cheaper than therapy! but also to just fucking breathe my own air and not see his face for a bit). He did not see the importance of time away from each other and felt that it was a personal attack on him or that I didn't want to be around him (red flag). Quite frankly, when you spend 24/7 with another human being half the time you just wonder when the fuck they're going to go away and give you 5 minutes of peace so you can miss the fucker for once.

I explained to him the concept of needing to "miss" one another. How I yearned for the feeling to have that lustful, I can't wait to see you so I can rip your fucking clothes off NEED for one another again. Apparently that argument was one-sided as he didn't feel the need to be away from each other to WANT me like that... Needless to say, that convo didn't go over all that well and I kinda felt like an asshole afterwards.

When you are craving space from someone, you start looking for ways to find it...

You start going to the bathroom more frequently and staying in there a little longer, but after so many long visits, he begins to question your health and starts asking if you need to see a doctor.

Random trips to the store. Your memory all of a sudden has gone to shit and you keep forgetting things and have to run out and grab them (and hope to hell that he doesn't ask to go with you), when in reality you are just driving across the street, parking the car on the side of the road and sitting in your car, alone, for 15-20 minutes.

Long showers - but then you worry that they'll join you in there because... well, shower sex, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but just... go away after.

My ex didn't have any friends outside of our relationship (red flag). He'd lived in the area with his ex-wife for a few years, but I guess they never got out much, well apparently she got out a lot, but he didn't.

My ex didn't really have any hobbies outside of our relationship (red flag), When we met, he was going to the gym 2x a day almost every day. He was super committed and determined and he had goals and that was fucking HOT. A man who is committed and has goals and sticks to them is sexy as hell. Not too long into our relationship though, he started slacking on his gym days because he said he would rather spend that time with me (red flag) even though I insisted that he keep up with his routine. He wanted me to start going with him and said he only really wanted to go now if I went with him (red flag). I didn't want to. I'm more of a yoga chick not a gym rat. I said no. He got offended and stopped going *sigh*

... Now that I write it all out, I'm really starting to question my sanity. Holy shit lady. Did you not notice all those red flags before?!

I'm not writing this to bash my ex. I'm really not. He was a great man. He loved with all his heart. He was devoted. He worked hard. He was loyal. He loved hard. At the end of the day though, I just don't feel like our love was compatible. He wanted one thing, I wanted something else. He wanted me home with a dinner plate, adorning him with my undivided attention and I wanted time to sit in a quiet room by myself and stare at the wall every once in a while. I wanted the freedom to be ME. He wanted me to stop my world outside of him and just be with him. I felt like I was not able to give him the love he wanted and needed and he couldn't give me what I wanted or needed.

We are human. We are vastly different, unique, incredible specimens with varying interests, goals, ideas, thoughts and values. We NEED the time and space to be who we are. We need to stand in our on space, breathe our own air, think our own thoughts. We need to be with someone who appreciates who we are for what we are. The partner you choose should empower you to be YOU, not someone who sees your greatness and wants to covet you and keep all your incredible energy to themselves. All to often though, I see people enter into relationships, give so much of themselves to their partner that they lose themselves in the process.

I am guilty of this and have done it on more than one occasion. *I'll move myself to the corner of shame now*

Conforming to someone else's will does not mean that you are weak, it means that you were not given the proper tools to know better. There are insecurities where there should be love and confidence. Think about it, if we were to truly love ourselves from the inside out why would we ever allow someone to control us to the point that we conform and become who THEY want us to be.

We need to keep that fire lit within our soul. We need to stay confident, stand tall and keep that crown firmly placed on the centre of our head. If the person you are with can't handle you at your strongest, they're not your person.

We are told to work on things, talk, communicate, love conquers all, but when is enough, enough? Have you ever heard the line, "when I was your age when something was broken, we fixed it."

But... things are different now. Times have changed.

What if you're just not meant to be together?

Questions to ask yourself when you are struggling to find balance in a relationship:

1. When you envision your future and you seriously analyse and establish your goals, is s/he the one you see with you at the end of your life?

2. Have you made personal sacrifices for your relationship. Have the sacrifices been reciprocated? Is there a balance of compromise and sacrifice between both of you?

3. Do you trust your partner?

4. Is your partner your best friend? Are there secrets you keep from him/her that you feel would end things if discussed?

5. Are you committed and loyal to your partner? Would you ever consider having an affair? Why or why not?

6. When was the last time you two discussed your future together? Were you both on the same page? Both have similar goals, timelines, etc?

Making final decisions about your relationship is not something that should be taken lightly. Take your time to work through deep, thought provoking questions and really envision your life together and consider your own long term happiness. Take note if there are instances where you are or have been compromising or sacrificing your own happiness and feelings to cater to theirs. Can this be adjusted so that you balance the scales?

At the end of the day, sometimes you have to be selfish and do what feels best for you. Sometimes that means switching things up, taking control of your life and exploring your options. This doesn't mean go ahead and bunk up with someone new. It means take the time to explore YOU and YOUR wants and needs. See if you can uncover what needs to be done or what can be changed to make YOU happy.

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